So on Saturday night I went to the grocery. I was in the frozen foods section and I see this woman in what is called by the fashionistas, a maxi dress, but the top is too small?
Also, why are they called maxi dresses anyway? I think it's an odd word for a dress. It's a maximum dress? All other dresses heretofore were minimums? That cannot be, but I digress.
The top of said grocery patron's dress was not containing her chesticular area, like, AT ALL. And so I said to myself:
"DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM GINA! What is you wearing lady?"
And then I said:
"Self! Really? Do not judge. That could be you."
And then I was like:
"Umm, no. I wear clothes that fit and I do not toss the girls about willy nilly."
And then my self said:
"Good obs."
And then the lady bent down to inspect the lower shelf of frozen times and I was like:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also her boyfriend/husband/grocery-lover who was wearing a FULL SHIRT was there and I was all:
"Boyfriend/husband/grocery-lover! Did you not talk to her? I know you see this!"
So then I was trying to give benefits of the doubt, like, maybe this maxi dress is to cover up a bathing suit. But it becomes apparent that it was not. Human parts were not in any definition of the word being covered. Had this "maxi" dress been a cover up it would have meant the afromentioned shopper's clothing was ironic.
Anyways...
I finish my shoppings and head to check out AND THE MAMMARIES OF MILWAUKEE is checking out ahead of me with her clueless but likely joyful sidekick. Lo and please Lord, I do not want to behold, but SHE is bagging the groceries. I am so afeared one of her lady parts is going to escape because in the time I was away I feel like her dress got smaller? And I am like:
"SIDEKICK! Why aren't you bagging groceries?"
Unfortunately, Sidekick is flummoxed by swiping his debit card which I feel he must have stolen given the time it took him to figure it out.
So then I start looking at the cashier. He seems to be absorbed in checking them out. I am watching him, wondering, where is he directing his eyes?
Mammaries momma miraculously remains contained and she and Sidekick leave.
My obsession with these strangers has made me self-conscious. Her immodesty has an odd sort of transference and I pull my own dress further up.
When I get to the cashier, he begins talking. He asks if I got to enjoy the weather. I say yes and inquire if he did as well. And HE DID! He's been swimming! It was great! Now that it's summer all he does is swim! And swimming is the best exercise! That's what everyone says! And he continues for so much more. Then he wishes me well and I decide all the talking was his transference. Having had to avert his eyes from so, so, so much for so, so, so long, he then needed an outlet.
Oh the humans...
