I am upset. I wonder how long it will be that seeing someone from my former life will make me upset and spiral into hurt and anger and tears. That gets old fast and I am tired of feeling that way. I feel like my chest and back are splitting apart and everything makes me want to cry. I wanted to cry telling a friend about an upcoming meeting. And I wanted to cry about my delicious margharita and I wanted to cry seeing people I used to hang out with spending time together. I wonder how they could have chosen each other and neglected me. And I am upset that I lost those 10 years. That I have physical symptoms because of the choices I made. I could cry for years for that.
I told a friend about my dad. About how there isn't too much comfort to me about his having died. And she said, "it's like you lost him twice." And while that doesn't make me happy, it helps to have someone acknowledge that. And it makes me sad.
I feel lonely. But not for lots of people to be around. To be understood.
I just broke up with the facebook. I know that the reason I was always on it was because I wanted to be connected and it was a way to do that without having to really be connected but I didn't feel good about it. The break up is awkward though, because I really liked the games I was playing on it and I had a great sense of accomplishment looking at my farm on the farmville and all of my weapons on Mafia Wars.
What I miss most is peace. It was my promise to myself as a child and I haven't kept it.
I think I need some more sleep.
I think I am going a touch crazy.
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