I struggle with this blogging. It's like I completely freeze up when I start to type and I don't know what to say. But throughout my day, I hear lines in my head. Phrases and things to write and ways to describe events. Maybe the problem is in my attempting to tell my own story. Even I don't find it interesting enough to have words for it. Maybe it would be better if I told someone else's story.
I recently discovered that all of my stories are sad. I think that is part of why I don't share with people because it sounds all sad and pathetic and then I feel the need to cover that up and paint it funny or with a positive end or something. Or what's worse, I express myself and my sad story and it's dismissed. Which hinders me more. So I feel sort of confused. What to share, what to say. When people are asking how you are, are they really asking? Do they mean, what is going on inside or hoping you will say good and move forward? I don't know.
I am not really sure what I want to have happen to be able to feel peace. I don't want to rehash my past. I am not looking for apologies. I think I want understanding.
I know I battle forgiveness but trust is another fight. I think I have forgiven those who have hurt me. I really don't wish them harm; not when I am in a sane place. It just feels unfair. And it always comes back to feeling unlovable. Their ability to show love and kindness to those other people makes me feel like their inability to do it for me is because I am harder to like; harder to love. And that makes me feel more alone. Leading to bottling more up.
I was with someone over the weekend who was speaking about things that had happened 30 years ago like they were yesterday. I don't want to stay in the past pain that way. I don't want that hurt to hinder me doing what I had always hoped for.
I promised myself that I would be able to come home and feel at peace when I grew up. I didn't keep that promise.
I wasn't going to be afraid and let people dictate who I was. I feel crippled by my own stupid fear. And I really hate that I can allow anyone else to determine if I am good, bad, sad, worthy, worthless.
I wasn't going to stay in Wisconsin. I have lived in Madison now for 13 and a half years.
I never thought I would be this lost. I never thought I would be so confused as to what I want, what is important to me and isn't, what I don't want, what I will or will not do.
I feel bad that the purpose of life doesn't appeal to me. Whenever I read it, I think, is that really all there is? I feel like the things that do appeal to me aren't as important as that bigger purpose and that keeps me from going forward too.
I guess the person I need to forgive is me. I lost so much and I won't get it back. I have to move forward and rebuild. But I feel ashamed. I need strength. I really thought I was a strong person. I know I am easy to dismiss. No one knows the truth of the situation and that hurts sometimes. It hurts that no one knows it all and can stand up for me. My whole life, I have been the one who stood for me, but right now I feel like I can't. I need strength. I don't want this to be where I stay stuck. I don't want this to be all that I am.
Right now, the overwhelming feeling is to get out of here. If I had a way to leave tomorrow, I would take it. Even though I don't know where I would go.
"Don't want to be afraid, I just don't want to be here."
I hope I can figure out what to do next. And I hope Jehovah can forgive me for my life fail.
I need strength.
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