Today, you are not friends. Today you are overwhelming and I don't know how to make you comfortable. I don't know how to make us both comfortable together. So I made tea and read. I tried to remember that I am who I am, overwhelming feelings and all. And in the discomfort decided to try something new. I made homemade whip cream.
It didn't quite turn out, but it tasted wonderful all the same.
The tea in it's delicate teacup, the partially whipped cream drenching blueberries, my overwhelmed feelings and I had breakfast.
Maybe not so uncomfortable after all. And I did one new thing today.
So long story short, feelings, while you caused a rush of emotion today, you brought in with your tide a decision to try and do one new thing each day and to remember that it never ever works when I try for everyone else and forget me.
I am me and you are mine. We will work it out.
me
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Dear Teapot and tea cup
You make me inordinately happy. You remind me of the simple things that make me happy and the aspects of life I enjoy. You are pretty and force me to be still. A warm cup of delicious tea from a delicate cup helps me keep close my dream of calm.
I adore you.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Dear Stomach Flu
What the what?!
I have never experienced anything like you in my life. And I don't mean that as a compliment.
Monday evening you had me writhing and moaning in pain. For seven hours I spewed and erupted and groaned. I am sure my neighbors thought someone was being tortured.
I was.
I have never been so relieved to take advil and never so in awe of the violence one's own body can act out towards itself.
I mean, seriously, THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT. WHY???????!!!!!!!!!
It took nearly a week for me to be able to eat an entire meal and not be in agony afterwards. It has been painful and disgusting and awful. I don't know why you chose me as your victim but I am not grateful to you. Even the one day when I felt very thin was not worth it for the sheer pain you inflicted.
I can't think of one redeeming part. Cleaning your own hurl does not make you sympathetic of others. It makes you resentful of them and their smooth innards.
The cramping! My god, the stomach cramping. I didn't know a stomach could constrict in such a way. It was as though someone was beating my guts.
And the resulting fear of food! Food, which I love and think is so beautiful. I had a very pretty and enjoyable meal before me two days after the horror which was THE FLU and was actually afeared to eat it! Because I didn't know what could happen if I did and I was worried about what that might be.
Toast! Breathtaking, enjoyable toast. You are divine. You have never tasted so fulling, rich, flavorful and non-nauseau inducing. You are a treasure. Never change.
THE FLU ruined a week that was already rough. I am taking to my bed with tears, on this the first day that I have been able to eat and not later plead for my life.
I have survived you FLU. I have known the bitter relief of saltines and tea and come back to the other side. You made me weak but you did not win.
I rode the porcelain bus to the point of exhaustion but will stand and walk again.
THE FLU = 0. Sherry = 1.
me
I have never experienced anything like you in my life. And I don't mean that as a compliment.
Monday evening you had me writhing and moaning in pain. For seven hours I spewed and erupted and groaned. I am sure my neighbors thought someone was being tortured.
I was.
I have never been so relieved to take advil and never so in awe of the violence one's own body can act out towards itself.
I mean, seriously, THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT. WHY???????!!!!!!!!!
It took nearly a week for me to be able to eat an entire meal and not be in agony afterwards. It has been painful and disgusting and awful. I don't know why you chose me as your victim but I am not grateful to you. Even the one day when I felt very thin was not worth it for the sheer pain you inflicted.
I can't think of one redeeming part. Cleaning your own hurl does not make you sympathetic of others. It makes you resentful of them and their smooth innards.
The cramping! My god, the stomach cramping. I didn't know a stomach could constrict in such a way. It was as though someone was beating my guts.
And the resulting fear of food! Food, which I love and think is so beautiful. I had a very pretty and enjoyable meal before me two days after the horror which was THE FLU and was actually afeared to eat it! Because I didn't know what could happen if I did and I was worried about what that might be.
Toast! Breathtaking, enjoyable toast. You are divine. You have never tasted so fulling, rich, flavorful and non-nauseau inducing. You are a treasure. Never change.
THE FLU ruined a week that was already rough. I am taking to my bed with tears, on this the first day that I have been able to eat and not later plead for my life.
I have survived you FLU. I have known the bitter relief of saltines and tea and come back to the other side. You made me weak but you did not win.
I rode the porcelain bus to the point of exhaustion but will stand and walk again.
THE FLU = 0. Sherry = 1.
me
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Dear Tuesday
You were kind of a crazy day.
I still have this ridiculous cold, so I am really tired and I keep having to blow my nose, which while essential, is also gross. Especially when you are at work. Particularly when you are the front desk person and people come in and out of your closfice all day long.
I have been trying to push myself this week, so even though I have been sick, I am trying to get some work done, at home and in the office. For whatever reason, I decided that today was the day to pull up the plastic floor matt in my office.
So, a note about the closfice. The floor is sort of a linoleum tile contraption. My office chair is on wheels. There isnt' much traction, and while I am working on my core muscles, I am not always able to keep myself at my desk with the rolling chair and the slick floor. So I ordered a clear plastic floor matt.
Unfortunately, the matt was too big to ever really fit under my desk. And I don't sweep and mop my office floor as often as one should. Or in a normal work environment, would ever do. So dirt collects under and on top of the ill-fitting matt. At some point, I was able to wedge a portion of the matt under my office desk, in a sort of lift-push-plead manuever that made the matt fit the space better but created a sort of curb with the matt and my floor. If I rolled to the file cabinet from my desk in my chair and didn't hit the matt at the right momentum, I would get stuck and have to push and roll to get back to my computer keyboard.
The cleaning staff, who are responsible for sweeping and mopping, got as irritated with the matt as I was, and duct taped the matt to the floor. Interestingly, this did not secure the matt in place and there was a large bump over which myself and my chair rolled weekly.
Today something clicked. So, despite my way sexy hacking and the heaviness in my chest, I took two puffs of my inhaler, three Advil, and a few stretches and pulled up the disgusting matt. I was somehow able to lift my desk with both hands, and using my foot push the matt out from the desk. Then I rolled the big matt up into a ball while trying to avoid actually touching it, put it in the trash can and set it outside to be disposed of.
This failure/victory set the tone for you, Tuesday. Get the task done without actually touching anything. Medicate first.
me
I still have this ridiculous cold, so I am really tired and I keep having to blow my nose, which while essential, is also gross. Especially when you are at work. Particularly when you are the front desk person and people come in and out of your closfice all day long.
I have been trying to push myself this week, so even though I have been sick, I am trying to get some work done, at home and in the office. For whatever reason, I decided that today was the day to pull up the plastic floor matt in my office.
So, a note about the closfice. The floor is sort of a linoleum tile contraption. My office chair is on wheels. There isnt' much traction, and while I am working on my core muscles, I am not always able to keep myself at my desk with the rolling chair and the slick floor. So I ordered a clear plastic floor matt.
Unfortunately, the matt was too big to ever really fit under my desk. And I don't sweep and mop my office floor as often as one should. Or in a normal work environment, would ever do. So dirt collects under and on top of the ill-fitting matt. At some point, I was able to wedge a portion of the matt under my office desk, in a sort of lift-push-plead manuever that made the matt fit the space better but created a sort of curb with the matt and my floor. If I rolled to the file cabinet from my desk in my chair and didn't hit the matt at the right momentum, I would get stuck and have to push and roll to get back to my computer keyboard.
The cleaning staff, who are responsible for sweeping and mopping, got as irritated with the matt as I was, and duct taped the matt to the floor. Interestingly, this did not secure the matt in place and there was a large bump over which myself and my chair rolled weekly.
Today something clicked. So, despite my way sexy hacking and the heaviness in my chest, I took two puffs of my inhaler, three Advil, and a few stretches and pulled up the disgusting matt. I was somehow able to lift my desk with both hands, and using my foot push the matt out from the desk. Then I rolled the big matt up into a ball while trying to avoid actually touching it, put it in the trash can and set it outside to be disposed of.
This failure/victory set the tone for you, Tuesday. Get the task done without actually touching anything. Medicate first.
me
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Dear Spring
You are not my favorite time of year.
I blame part of this on the fact that I am allergic to life, so all of this regeneration, of flowers blooming and life blossoming, makes me itchy and achy and unable to breathe. That plays a big part in my struggle with you.
I don't know if I have always had such an aversion to Spring, but the last few years I have noticed that all of the joy that everyone feels about this time of year escapes me. I wish that I felt what everyone else does. I wish that the sunshine made me happier. I wish that the warm weather made me feel renewed. It does not.
Spring kind of breaks my heart a little bit.
I know Spring is here because my nose itches and my throat is scratchy and I feel exhausted.
I know you rejuvenate so many and for that I celebrate you Spring. And you make the accursed snow melt and that is good. I love you for that.
In the meantime, I am trying to figure out ways to cope with Spring until allergy season passes.
Hello Claritin.
me
I blame part of this on the fact that I am allergic to life, so all of this regeneration, of flowers blooming and life blossoming, makes me itchy and achy and unable to breathe. That plays a big part in my struggle with you.
I don't know if I have always had such an aversion to Spring, but the last few years I have noticed that all of the joy that everyone feels about this time of year escapes me. I wish that I felt what everyone else does. I wish that the sunshine made me happier. I wish that the warm weather made me feel renewed. It does not.
Spring kind of breaks my heart a little bit.
I know Spring is here because my nose itches and my throat is scratchy and I feel exhausted.
I know you rejuvenate so many and for that I celebrate you Spring. And you make the accursed snow melt and that is good. I love you for that.
In the meantime, I am trying to figure out ways to cope with Spring until allergy season passes.
Hello Claritin.
me
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
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