Dear Exercise

You are quite possibly one of my least favorite past-times.

It really used to bother me when people said how much exercise helped you. All the ENDORPHINS will cure whatever ails you: cold, stress, depression, facial ticks. It bothered me because I had no such endorphin rush. Often after I exercised I wanted to cry. This seemed the exact opposite of ENDORPHINS.

Lately what I have seen as the benefit of exercise is the ability to move. I cannot believe how incredibly stiff and feeble I am. When I exercise, I am able to get out of bed in a timely fashion in silence. When I do not, the time from horizontal to vertical increases exponentially and is accompanied by moans, creaks and desperate pleas to the heavens for help.

The other perk has been that I have obtained several exercise videos which entertain me immensely. You know how they say pick an activity you like to do and then "exercise" within that activity? Well, I like music and I like to dance. There are myriads of work-out videos wherein one sashays, sambas, mambos and quick steps themselves to thin.

The thing about these videos? Despite the kind words of whatever instructor, I am not a professional dancer. And five minutes watching you do a complicated routine doesn't translate to me being able to do it. So, for many of my videos, I am just laughing. Standing in my living room, dressed in sweet gear, laughing my head off. Laughter is good, but it does not a size six make.

The other thing with these videos is because they are for beginners and amateurs, the instructors use non-technical phrases to help us learn the steps. My first work out video for the dancer in all of us was one with Paula Abdul. Paula before the drugs and the Idol. And Paula did a fancy move where you crossed one leg in front of the other and used alternating arms to push out in front of you. As Paula taught and then danced with you she would call out:  "One, two! Get outta my way!" That always cracked me up and sometimes in the lines of groceries stores I want to do that dance move and call out Paula's phrase.  Other choice phrases:

"I cannot see you, but I am sure you are doing great."

"This will be complicated, but just have fun with it."

Actually, all of the videos say that last one. And I do have fun with it because the whole thing is completely absurd. My second dance exercise catastrophe was a lady who would Latin-dance-me thin. The best part of her video was that she was gorgeous. I mean, completely and absolutely gorgeous. And the camera man must have thought so too, because the video is mostly close-ups of her face. Which would be fine if I was sweating my way to a thin forehead. I was not. I was learning dance steps. Dance steps I didn't often see because we were looking at the beautiful lady. And she must not have known they were only showing her face because while I was staring at her white teeth and glossy hair, she yelled out: "NOW! Pay attention to the change! Are you ready?!"

I was not. I had seen no change. Also, this goddess, did not in fact speak English very well. My most loved part of her video is when she is doing the cool down and says: "And now we are going to stretch, because those muscles? They needs dat." Magical.

My current favorite is a Dancing With the Stars workout. First I love that they aren't really pretending to be helping you. The women are wearing high heels and twirly skirts. Second, I love that the one guy abruptly ends his dancing segments by standing straight, throwing his arms up in the air and taking a deep breath. Finally I love their toning workout at the end because it is practically impossible to do, not only for me but for the women in the video. Oh they are putting on a brave face, but that one part, where Max says the girls can do the girl push-ups but the men will do man push-ups? You can totally see the sigh of relief on those chicks' faces.

My only concern is that the toning portion is really a challenge for me but since I am trying to motivate myself, I make myself do the moves even when I am physically unable to do them. Two weeks ago this resulted in me bent face down on the floor with my legs crossed behind me, cramped up and unsure how I would unlock myself and get ready for work. I "rested" there for a minute and something loosened and I was free, but I had a slight moment of panic when I considered that someone would have to find me twisted that way, unable to move, praying to the god of firm abs and buttocks for mercy and a massage.

I am going to keep trying to exercise. For the laughs and for the hopes to make my body strong. Strong enough to get out of bed, climb up and down stairs, lift my own purse and reach for things on top shelves without toppling over because of my complete lack of core strength. This will be a battle because I detest exercise. But battles burn calories, too right?

"Pay attention to the change!"

me