I think you are a good thing, particularly if you are me and looking for a way to help organize your thoughts and develop a skill that could prove invaluable in job-hunting, social correspondence, and the future expose you hope to write on everything. So, that is what this post will be-an exercise, not an expose, sadly. If it reads (if there is anyone reading) as forced and not funny and weird, you have my apologies. Many of my exercises (physical or written) happen in a similar manner with comparable results, except there is also sweating.
The trick, for me, to blogging, is putting myself out there without sharing too much. It isn't too hard for me in that, I kind of live my life that way, but also really hard for me because when I write, I am usually better able to express myself than when I speak. I have said it before and I will say it again;:I am better on paper (and/or the interweb) than I am in person. This is not because I can edit what I say. It's because I have more clarity when I write than when I speak. I think this is because the writing is solitary and the speaking is with the peoples, and for me, this is a no-win combination.
I think I am afeared of the peoples. All people. I always say I hate people but really that probably is because I am scared of them. This admission, is a sad one for me. I never knew how much of a coward I was until recently.
I will immodestly say that up until about a year ago, I had kind of thought of myself as fearless. Moving away from home to a town where I knew no one, I thought was brave. Taking long drives alone. Doing my volunteer ministry by myself. Living alone. I thought all of this showed an inner strength and courage. Maybe it does, and while I am glad for those accomplishments, lately, I feel like they were just big scene changes in the play of my life where the 17 trillion fears I carry can continue to be acted out. Fear of trust and trying and failing and hurting others and not speaking up and looking dumb and being judged and on and on and on. All fears that keep me mobile and paralyzed simultaneously.
The good news: because of the big scene changes I seem to not fear taking, I know I can conquer the 17 trillion other fears. The bad news: because I have been carting around 17 trillion enemies, I am a little weak and it will be hard to challenge them. I expect much crying, on my part and possibly that of others.
The revelation of all of this and the inspiration for this exercise, is that it is okay. The fears and the work and the crying is all part of it, if it helps in the conquering and in being able to support others in doing the same. This is a monumental insight for me, because fear number three is fear of myself-my fears, my feelings and the accompanying weeping. I have always thought that I was not long for this earth and if I was, it was just a temporary stop until finally I was committed to an institution. When I have a day of sadness, I always think it means I am weird and messed up and really just the most awful person there ever was. Then when someone tells me that I am in fact messed and awful, it reinforces the belief of my impending institutionalization.
Interestingly, these same people, all have issues, too. They have sad days and difficult times and are not always beacons of sunshine and hope. When it happens to them, they give themselves a break and say, it is part of it. So, I have decided to do the same. I am not completely deranged, I just had a sad day. They occur and sometimes they teach me something, like I need to slow down and get rest and read a book and think. Sometimes they just suck.
If it helps me figure out more about me so I can be better for myself and others, then that's good, too. If I don't have to fear me as much, then I don't have to fear the peoples. Then my play can undergo a major re-write and when the scenery changes, only 15 trillion fears take the stage and I can carry them with more strength, skill, and love. Maybe even do a little musical number.
I am me.
That is all.
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