Dear Revision

Some time ago I wrote a post declaring my fear of humans. I then stated that what I have always referred to as hating people was really a fear of people.

I revise this statement.

I do believe I have a fear of the humans, and I am trying to address this fear. First, because this fear is not helping me do and be what I want, and I am very tired of less. Second, because people are stupid and so why should I be afraid of something (or in this case, someone, anyone) that is stupid?

Reason two led me to my revision. As it turns out, I still do hate people. They are dumb. They are mean. They smell and they insist they are right when they are wrong. They push and they hurt and navigating life with the humans makes everything incredibly complicated, difficult and often painful. This leads to my next conflict.

I would like to be the sort of person who sends love out. Love to the world and to its inhabitants, even the animals. I do not want any of those lovely beings in my own personal living space, but I want them to have the love. I want them to be safe. I want them to feel worthy, to dream, to accomplish, to love others.

In the movie, The Secret Life of Bees, the beekeeper lady (beekeptress?) is teaching her new apprentice about bees. She instructs her on what to wear and her behavior and says, "Send the bees love, 'cause no life-loving bee wants to sting you." I keep thinking about that. Sending the bees love. They don't want to hurt you.

I do not believe that about the humans. Some do want to hurt you. I have watched enough Law and Order, oh and known enough people, to see that. However, it occurs to me as I type this, that I want to send out the love, not as much for the bees, or in my case, the wretched humans, but for me. Not doing that, sending out no love, crippled me. It kept me from becoming more. I am only now understanding this simple truth. All life needs love. It's the gig. All the love I have I can wrap around whoever or whatever I want, and keep it or share it; or write it or eat it or wear it. I can do that for me, so I can be complete. I can do that the way that works for me, in all of its horrifying awkwardness.

So, I am again trying to figure out how to do this. How to love and hate and be with the peoples and be myself but be better than myself.

Hmm.

Hello, literary trick! The revision is me.

LOVE,
me