Dear Wisconsin

Well, things ‘round these parts sure have gotten intense, eh, you humans? What with the protesting and the budgets and the weather with multiple personality disorder, a human just doesn’t know which way is up, or who to choose for the winner in the Best Picture category at the Oscars. (My vote is The King’s Speech. Shake things up a bit and I also I love me some Colin Firth.)

Too bad there aren’t Oscars for college. Though, of course here they would be called Buckys and that would just be creepy. Who wants a golden badger on their desk or shelf for Best Response to an Email Wherein you Fein Concern for a Topic that you Actually Could Care Less About? Hmm. What do you know? I want that Bucky.

me

Dear Quote Which Speaks the Truth - part 2

"But look at how easy it was to bring you back."

me

Dear Prison

You know how people are given prison sentences? And you know how sometimes those terms are like 12 life sentences and then you wonder how they could count that much time and what that time would feel like to live it? And how it would seem like every day would creep by? Well, it's not true, you humans.

Sometimes the hours fly by and you are still lifting weights and whittling shivs and intimidating the newbies. Then they throw you a bone, like meatloaf day or un-shackled Wednesdays and you start to think that prison isn't so bad. Then you see someone come in and you can relate to them and you start to mentor the inmates and be there for therapy times and are "functioning" "well".  And so you would think this is what prison is for: rehabilitation times.

But I am getting scared.

Because I hate this place, but I am functioning right now. Like for reals, some would say I am downright chipper. It is scaring me, frankly. Is this really me or am I just one sassy-mouthed actress? And is the acting just what we are supposed to do or is that how I end up here forever, with whisps of hair that blow in the stagnant, windy hallways?

Oh, prison...

me

Dear Voice

I have physically lost my voice before. Not been able to talk at all, or have it go all raspy and wheezy. I actually enjoy when it is raspy. And the one time I wasn't able to speak at all was sort of refreshing. I am a listener anyway, but navigating the world as a complete observer was sort of peaceful. It was also isolating.

I have also lost my metaphorical voice. My ability to say out loud what I want or how I feel was for quite some time, totally lost. So much so that it made me question if I was ever in possession of it at all. Do you know something else, you humans? Losing your real voice and your metaphorical voice have in common the feelings of isolation but do not share the feeling of peacefulness.

A few weeks ago, though, something transformative occurred.

I spoke up. In a meeting. I expressed myself, without drama or hysterics. It was fabulous. I was hiding behind other people. I was pushing myself down and away.

I no longer wish to do this. I am tired of doormat times. I do not desire to tell off all the peoples. I do not long for screamings, rantings, or fits. I do want to be able to say how I feel or what I think and have it heard and respected. If by no no one else but me. I am done being treated like less. I don't mind being thought of as a bitch, as long as I have the facts and the wisdom to back it up. I believe it is a great communicator who can say how they feel in a tasteful way. You can be honest and gracious and that is my goal. The next key step is my really firming up what I believe in and determining, with as much certainty as is possible for any person, who I am, truly, inside.

I am on my way. I've got my voice back.

Dear What is Imminent

This morning on my way to work I saw a group of people who are protesting the new governor's budget. As I passed them I suppressed the urge to honk my horn and roll down my window and pump my fist and yell. I wanted to incite a riot. The thought that the group of believers would shout, jump, and cheer at my support gave me a thrill.

All day at work was an emotional roller coaster. We are hiring a new person! OH MY GOD! She will need to be trained! So happy that my desk is clear! Full of weeping that the kids came into my office, truthfully less than two minutes after I sent an email. Waves of anxiety about how much I have to get done. A mouth full of repressed expletives at people asking me dumb, dumb questions.

My scalp is full of itch. My jaw line is breaking out. I am totally swollen.

Spring has sprung.

I hate you spring. You have ushered me directly to my seat for the musical, heart-rending spectacle that is you.

I hate you.

me