Dear Voice

I have physically lost my voice before. Not been able to talk at all, or have it go all raspy and wheezy. I actually enjoy when it is raspy. And the one time I wasn't able to speak at all was sort of refreshing. I am a listener anyway, but navigating the world as a complete observer was sort of peaceful. It was also isolating.

I have also lost my metaphorical voice. My ability to say out loud what I want or how I feel was for quite some time, totally lost. So much so that it made me question if I was ever in possession of it at all. Do you know something else, you humans? Losing your real voice and your metaphorical voice have in common the feelings of isolation but do not share the feeling of peacefulness.

A few weeks ago, though, something transformative occurred.

I spoke up. In a meeting. I expressed myself, without drama or hysterics. It was fabulous. I was hiding behind other people. I was pushing myself down and away.

I no longer wish to do this. I am tired of doormat times. I do not desire to tell off all the peoples. I do not long for screamings, rantings, or fits. I do want to be able to say how I feel or what I think and have it heard and respected. If by no no one else but me. I am done being treated like less. I don't mind being thought of as a bitch, as long as I have the facts and the wisdom to back it up. I believe it is a great communicator who can say how they feel in a tasteful way. You can be honest and gracious and that is my goal. The next key step is my really firming up what I believe in and determining, with as much certainty as is possible for any person, who I am, truly, inside.

I am on my way. I've got my voice back.