Dear Courage

I really want us to be the closest of friends. I want this because I just think you are amazing. I think you are full of power and that if I could just spend enough time with you, if I could just figure out how to hold on to you and make you stay, that we could just conquer the world. Or, we could conquer my world.

I will be the neediest of friends at first, I admit. I will constantly be looking for your reassurance and support. I will be desperately trying to please you. I want you to feel that I am worth your time. I want you to think the world of me. I long for you to wish to be with me always.

I need you because there is so much I want to do yet. There is so much that I feel needs to be said; so much that I have finally understood, or have begun to understand or even just realize. I want it to be known, but I don't know how to say it in a way that will be heard. There is so much that needs to be recognized; to be seen.

I locked so much away. I hid it, changed it, or denied it to please so many variations of others and it won't be kept in the tower anymore. Yet the habit means I don't know how to let it be free. The light feels too bright, the noises are too loud and there is no safety net. The uncertainty as to how to manage it or share it is maddening. There is always, always the fear of it being criticized or mocked or misunderstood. The fear is terrible. The idea that it would all be locked up again is worse.

I need your help while I figure it out. I will stumble and falter but I want to go forward. I feel like I can hear you saying to me already:

Things will change. There will be criticism and mocking. Some people are looking and others are not. None of that matters. It is too hard holding it in now. You have to let it go. You have to make the changes.

I already agree with you. I am reasonable, Courage. I will listen. I want to change. Changing doesn't seem so scary to me, honestly. I am afraid of doing it wrong. I am afraid of making more mistakes. I am afraid of more regret.

Someone said something today that made me think of you. They said they were ready to be brave enough to not hold on to the comfort of misery anymore. Or something along those lines, but I got it. I got it. I will need your help because I think the sort of fearlessness I desire will be isolating and I need you to remind me that it's still right, at least right for me.

I know how desperate I sound. I know that there are so many more important issues in the world. I know that to anyone else, it seems very easy. You just do it. I wish it was so easy for me because I think that I would do it if it were. For me, it is hard, and I want your help with that, too, please.

Please.

I will do the work. I will try to be better. I will sit in adoration at your feet. I will praise you to the hills. Take a chance on me.

What do you have to be afraid of?

me