Category

I know all of us are more than one thing. There are lots of ways we define ourselves and how we function in the world. Titles like daughter, friend, coworker, are easy. I identify with them and know how to navigate in those categories. I am looking for more categories now.

When I was about 12, a family friend gave me a notebook. Her name was Kim and she wasn't like any one else I knew. She had a rocky life and was in the middle of a divorce and she referred to her husband as Stupid. She told us:

"Stupid and I broke up at the same place where he proposed," she said. "I took him back to that spot and said:

'Listen, Stupid. Do you want to stay together or not?' "

I don't even know what his real name was. She was smart and working to re-establish herself. The time we met her coincided with the time when my parents were separating. I was coping the way I knew how; withdrawing into myself. I think Kim was one of the first people to see me.

She wrote in the notebook:

"To S.T. - whether you are morose or not."

She said the notebook was a more than a pad of paper. It was a journal and that all writers should have one. She said: "In case you haven't noticed, you are a writer."

I still have what she wrote. It took me years to use the journal and I had always felt funny about referring to myself like that. Even now, it sounds weird to say.

A couple of years ago, I was watching a movie and had this feeling where I felt something hit me inside and I started to tear up. So clearly, I realized that I was a writer. But it still took me a long time to understand what that meant for me. People who actually write are writers. When applied to me, it seemed to be a title without substance. It didn't seem as important as other labels people carry, so I pushed it down again.

Recently an exceptional friend reminded me that I am a writer. Maybe it's time to stop fighting it because really, I love words. I adore them. Once I awoke early in the morning by my radio alarm and there was an interview of a linguist and I stayed awake to listen because I thought it was fascinating.

Learning a new language made words and their origins mean even more to me. I fell in love again.

When I read a book, I keep a notebook near by to write down phrases, sentences, or lines that I love. If there isn't a notebook near by, I mark the page so I can write it down later.

In recent years, I have become a critic. I will read a book and if it isn't really great, I am not just disappointed but disgusted. I read something and think: "This was published?! I could have done this!" A thought which makes me laugh considering that I haven't done that at all.

If I come across someone who will listen to me long-windedly go on about a word or something I read, I am so happy. Listening to someone else talk about a book, I am enthralled. I keep a list of books I want to read in my wallet. There is no money in it, but there is my list of books.

So, in my aforementioned verbose way, I have described how I am beginning to see myself as someone who writes. Or, a writer. I am going to really try to post to the ol blog more. In an attempt to improve my writing and to try and not become insane. Because covering up my label is causing me confusion and I just want to be who I am. While categories and labels can be lame, they also can help when it's time to choose what you want and how you want it. And I am ready to figure out what I want. Maybe I will even write about it.