Half-full

One of my most favorite quotes is:

Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.

I love it because in my mind, it is so true. The first time someone told me that I was being negative, I was shocked. I thought I was just commenting on the reality of the situation and didn't realize that what I was saying could be construed as anything other than an honest observation.

I consider myself a realistic optimist. I do not deny what is ugly about life or mankind, but I do still have hope. I believe in opportunities, especially for others. And I think it was spurred by a negative situation.

My father was a great dreamer. He wanted to be famous and he believed in art. Often times, his committment to his dreams was detrimental to our family. His frustration at being like the average peson and having to work menial jobs broke his spirit even as it fractured our family. While the ensuing financial struggles took their toll, it taught me a valuable lesson. People should give them dreams a shot. Under most circumstances, there is no harm in trying. And opening up that part of yourself and exploring something new energizes a person. I think that if my father had explored his creativity in a healthier way, he would have given my sister and I something more important than a famous father; he would have given us hope. And we would have seen that a life with hope and time spent doing something you love would be a life worth living. And that feeling, that idea, is so powerful, so motivating, that it buoys you when the seas of life get rough. As realistically, they do.

Instead, I learned to push down my dreams because my father's misguided pursuit of his hurt us more than helped. But the older I get, the more essential I see it is to find some joy in life. I am working on that but in the process am finding the pessimist in me rear her honest, half-empty head.

I am trying to battle her and keep perspective. I am hoping the energy and happiness I find from reading, writing and playing my violin, even at its screechiest, will drown out the voice that says I won't ever be able to do this. The voice that calls, "think how much happier you would be if you would have figured this out before. You are so far behind."

I am telling her to shut it and listen to the music. To be aware of what she is seeing; to open her eyes and see, and search for the patterns that have beauty and peace.

The work of growing up and becoming the woman you want challenges how you see things. I want my cup to be half-full. And then I want that bad boy to run over.

So today, I took my baby steps. I updated my resume and I submitted four job applications. One is safe and simliar to what I am doing now for work. One is closer to my field of Journalism. One sounds like amazing fun and the last one had the voice of negativity ringing as I read it; I couldn't do it, don't apply. So I felt the fear and sent in my resume anyway. Here's hoping for a full cup.