You proved to be more of a challenge than I had realized. I'd thought that within the ebb and flow of life, I would easily happen upon new things but there were three days this week when I really had to scramble to find something new.
Before I recap the week, let me state that it might seem that the obvious thing to do would be to make a list then of new things and do one each day but I don't feel comfortable with this. I want something to feel a little spontaneous and I want to feel waves of courage when presented with an opportunity and for whatever reason making a list of new things to do feels strict and then I will feel obligated and the adventure, joy and confidence I am hoping for will be replaced by drudgery and resentment. That having been said, I am not opposed to suggestions; just the hard enforcement of new things. I make lists all the time; I don't let myself live. You, as new things, are a careful attempt.
Here is the summary of new things for me this past week:
Monday
I made my first gin and tonic. I did not follow a recipe as I was pretty sure it required the two ingredients in it's name. I have had gin and tonics before, but I have never made one for myself. In the ones others have made for me, there is usually lime. So my gin and tonic were the two staples and a splash of sweetened lime juice. I will say that it was perfectly refreshing and I indulged myself in a few of them the rest of the week. It was great.
I will add here that I don't want all of my new things to revolve around food, but I suspect many will include them. I never really cooked much before and I am allergic to life. But as I have been really working to lose weight and find other food options, I am enjoying cooking. I think it is helping my sanity. I know it is helping my budget. But I will work to make sure all of the new stuff isn't just about meals. Which brings us to the rest of the week:
Tuesday
I did an at-home sleep study.
Here's the thing. In my early twenties I had years where I barely slept. As you might imagine, I do not look back on that time with any fondness. It was terrible. Terrible. It has improved recently except for this fatigue I have which is unlike what I felt when I didn't sleep for years. This is cruel irony and led me to consider that perhaps I had sleep issues. And so the study.
The result? I do not have sleep apnea, but apparently I do snore. Not having a sleep partner, as it was tactfully asked of me, I never knew this about myself. It wasn't really pleasant news, but at least I am not bothering anyone with the snoring for now. I am curious as to how long I have snored. I can't believe that no one in my life has never commented on it. I mean, I did go to some sleepovers and have shared a hotel room with others.
Also, did you know that apnea just means a pause in breathing? I have decided to use this word for more than it's sleep condition because it is kind of fun to say and the idea of it cracks me up.
Bonus new thing: I wore navy blue nylons. Which I don't think I have ever worn. They were fun but got a run in them two seconds after I put them on.
Wednesday
This was a desperate search for a new thing. I was at work all day with monotony so no chances for different came. The longer the day went, the more nervous I was getting. I couldn't even think of a new food endeavor. After work, I did have some errands to run, one being that I needed to return some mascara to the Walgreens. There I was afforded my opportunity.
I was waiting at the return counter and there was NO ONE around. Meaning, a tumbleweed could have rolled through and the only one to see it would have been me. Usually in those situations, I patiently wait. Then impatiently wait. I look around hoping someone will see me. I look towards cashiers in other parts of the store hoping they will help me. I wait and wait. Eventually a manager is summoned and I complete my return. This time, I didn't wait for eternity. I apnea-ed. Then went to a cashier who wasn't busy and politely said I had a return and could she page a manager for me.
And she did.
And my return was quickly completed. I was out of there in a few minutes; home in time to watch Modern Family.
Thursday
Thursday also found me scrambling for something I hadn't done before, but I was saved by the public library because I'd put a book on hold and it came in. And the freakish Wisconsin weather had produced a beautiful day. So I took my book and went into the courtyard outside my apartment and read for ten minutes. I put a time limit on it because doing this took a lot for me. I was nervous and uncomfortable so I promised myself only 10 minutes.
The time flew. I felt much better. It wasn't as scary as I'd thought. I don't know why it made me sooooooooo uncomfortable.
I am crazy.
Friday
I don't really want to get into the details. Long story short I had a doctor's appointment. I knew it was going to be really hard, so I'd written a letter to my doctor in an attempt to stand up for myself. I did not read the letter, but I did say parts of what was in the letter to him. He was kind, sort of, but ended with two statements that are still really bothering me. One implying that my current ebola outbreak was weight-related which it isn't. It just isn't. The other being a very stupid thing to say to a grown up.
And here is part of the thing. I look sad even when I am not sad. And weak and fragile when I am not that inside. I have big, sad, depressive eyes. They are inherited from my father. He had the same sad eyes. That is just how they look.
Exhibit A: Today, a complete stranger came over to me, introduced herself and gave me a hug. She did this, she said: "Because I just looked like I need a hug." But frankly, I did not. It wasn't the cheeriest of days, but it was by far not my saddest. I probably had squinty allergen/ blind as a bat eye. Sometimes I think other people see in my eyes, how they are actually feeling, and then just respond to that. And there are me and my eyes minding our own business being hugged by strangers.
Part two of this situation is that I appear to be incapable of retaliation. My sister has said that I look like I have delicate limbs. Since I don't see that when I look at them, I don't really know what that means. Everyone else must though, because people feel they can say and do whatever to me and there will be no consequence. What with the sad eyes and the pansy limbs, I'd be lucky to lift a hanky to my face let alone let you have it for your thoughtlessness.
I believe this is what my doctor saw. And when he said all of my tests were normal but that I just needed to lose weight, I will admit, my eyes were sad for reals. He said:
"Are you disappointed in me as your doctor?"
And I did what I always do. Which is ensure that the other person doesn't feel bad for letting me down.
"I'm not disappointed in you. But to hear that it's weight is very, very disappointing."
That last part is not something I do. I don't tell people how I feel about stuff. And I rarely stand up for myself. I did better here but not great. I pled my case up to a point and then gave up when I saw that he wasn't going for it. The lesson form this day's new thing was not to have given up. I should have fought harder.
The last thing he said to me was to save my disappointment for my diary. That statement, coupled with my frustration over no diagnosis, sent me to my car in tears. It was condescending. And frankly his question about me being disappointed in him sucked. Because he wanted me to make him feel better instead of him trying to help me. People who do this, who "apologize"this way, are cowards. Because if you really wanted to know how I felt, you would have asked that. I am not proud of myself for letting him off the hook. Friday's new didn't make me feel good at all.
Saturday
One good thing about this day is I did what I thought was best for me. I went to the assembly but a different one purely based on what I needed and what I thought would help me. Since Friday's emotional breakdown, I wanted something to help me feel better, not worse, so that is what I chose to do. This was also not standard behavior. Nor was it my best new thing either. I think there were a few ways I could have improved it, but overall, at least I tried.
So there was the week. The good, the bad and the heartbreak. I like the challenge of this and that it gives me something to focus on accomplishing each day. I don't like that I am judging it, but I am working on that. I do like that for at least a minute or two, it is doing something that I hadn't imagined when I began last Sunday.
It's giving me back a little piece of myself whilst simultaneously helping me grow. This was an added new thing and I am grateful.
Me
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