Dear Middle of April

I am at the halfway point of the the struggle that is you. I am still trying to do the one new thing a day, though it hasn't been going as well as I thought. I got sick so that lowered my drive to try new things. There have been the food things:

first batch of homemade muffins
black bean quesadilla
baguettes cooked in olive oil, spread with brie cheese

more personal growth things:
better self control at a work meeting
calling out the crazies on their manipulation
better awareness of my feelings and needs

and the most crazy thing:
I cut off all my hair (more about that in a different blog)

What I have learned in the last two weeks of new things is how afraid I am and how much I think about what other people think of me. I am not pleased with either discovery. I really really no longer want to live my life concerned if others will like me or not; or really, love me or not. Because it all does come down to what I feel makes me unlovable.

I have this feeling of a brick sitting on my chest. I feel like I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I never feel completely relaxed and I don't like that at all. I miss feeling calm.

I can respect myself if I am unappreciated or if no one really understands, but I can't respect myself if I stayed afraid and didn't try. I am trying with the new things, but I still feel stuck. I want to move on. I want to move away.

I want to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I want the season to change.

me